(i.e., Balaram's grandson) died the other day. Ram's wife and mother came to me for peace of mind. They were relieved of their grief to some extent. I used to speak to the Master of such things and he would say, "I have millions of them. I shall cut my goat at the tail or through the back, and then kill it. It is my sweet will."
Disciple: Does he not see our suffering?
Mother: But he has so many like you. He used to tell me, "It is the ocean of consciousness and bliss. How many waves crop up and disappear! There is no end, no limit."
Disciple: A man in the street, whose spiritual consciousness has not been awakened at all, is quite happy. But those whose consciousness has been partially awakened and who want to realize God, suffer a great deal if they do not see Him. They alone know how much they suffer!
Mother: Ah! how true it is! Ordinary people are quite happy. They eat, drink and make merry. The devotees alone know no end of suffering.
Disciple: Don't you suffer at the suffering of the devotees?
Mother: Why should I? He who has created the world looks after all.
Disciple: Don't you want to come back to this earth in a human form for the sake of the devotees?
Mother: Oh! Such suffering in a human body! No more! No more! May I not be born again! At the time of his illness, the Master expressed the desire to eat Amalaki. Durgacharan procured some after searching for them for three days without food and sleep. The Master asked him to take his meal and himself took some rice in order to turn the food into Prasada. I said to the Master, "You are taking rice quite well. Why, then, should your meal consist only of farina pudding? You should take rice rather than pudding." "No, no," said he, "I would rather take farina during these last days of my life." It was such unbearable suffering for him to eat even the farina! On some days, it would all spill out through his nose or throat!
Ah! I went to the temple of Siva at Tarakeswar, but that too proved fruitless. I lay before the Deity there for two days without food and drink, supplicating for some divine remedy for the Master's illness. On the second night, I was startled to hear a sound. It was as if some one was breaking a pile of earthen pots with one blow. I woke up and the idea flashed in my mind,